Monday, January 24, 2005


Like many a blogger out there, I take hard and sometimes unforgiving looks at my life on a rather consistently masochistic platform. I don't really know why I do it, but with a few people in my life riding herd and seeing visions of an apex I have yet to achieve, it makes things harder.

Yet I am, without a doubt, my own harshest critic.

Lately, this has evolved into psychosomatic ailments attributable to anxiety and perhaps a wee bit of melancholy. I wake up quickly and harshly every day, thinking about what I haven't done, what I should be doing, what I did yesterday, was it a good decision, etc. It's affecting my sleep because I don't really like the waking up process, and it's affecting my stomach by twisting and wrenching it into knots familiar to my stomach disorder some time ago. I constantly have a monkey on my back of my own creation and behavior patterns.

The strange part is that I think very few actually know what I am going through. I put on my shiny happy people face, laugh loud and hard, and find solace in a crowd of people. I'm looking for anything to keep me busy and preoccupied, finding relief in forgetting about myself held in the spotlight. But I still have yet to find the thing that will settle this restlessness, this ache I have for the apex I hope to find. A song by Lit, a very lyrically clever band, called "My Own Worst Enemy" has this great lyric that goes:

It's no surprise to me
I am my own worst enemy
'Cause every now and then
I kick the living shit out of me

The honest truth of hearing my self-criticism is that I view myself very low sometimes. The reality probably doesn't match the inner-voice, but reality rarely screams with such a din that reality looks like it's just lip-synching along.

I've come to some interesting conclusions lately in these processes and sub-processes. Some are general, and some are very specific to me. Enjoy.

1) I need a personal assistant to get me through my day. There are certain details and red tape that I am absolutely horrible at conquering where a PA would be helpful. I suck at time management. I need a detailed oriented person to help me through my ADHD world and keep things on a clear path. I'm like a CEO. I don't know anything about the details, but I see the big picture and the path to get there, I just need help making it to the meeting on time with my tie straight and my clothes pressed.

2) I have no idea how to answer, "What do you want to do with your life?" I think I could be pursuing a PhD, hold a job for three years that I love, and still have no answer for this. The only think I usually respond with to that question is, "Everything and anything I can."

3) I hate pity and sympathy yet seek empathy. There's nothing worse than someone looking at you like you're incapable of anything, but there's something to be said for, "I know what you're going through and that sucks. If you need some advice, I'm around. Good luck with that." But I abhor, "That must be hard, but you'll make it through eventually." Yes, of course I will, but how does that help me through my day?

4) It is incredibly important to be a reliable person to at least your friends. There's nothing more annoying than a person who can't commit to plans or who can't speak their mind honestly and truthfully. I'd rather hear a harsh reality than indecisiveness any day of the week. Tell me you hate the food I cooked and to order pizza instead of making faces and saying it's great. I'll respect you a lot more after I'm done weeping in the fetal position in the bathtub for two hours.

5) Another motto I've tried to live with for awhile that I made up years ago:

"Be as quick to pat someone on the back as you are to slap them in the face."

Praise is just as important as criticism, and sometimes even more so. If you're funny, I'll be the first one to tell you. If you do a quiet good deed for someone and I see it, I'll quietly say that was an amazingly good deed. If you act like an idiot and say something stupid and ignorant, I will be the first one pointing it out and criticizing you for it. Life is too damn short to do anything else. Beating around the bush only leaves you in the same place you started.

6) Golden rule. Love it. Believe. It will make you stronger and kinder in one fell swoop.

7) Laugh loud and hard. People often tell me I have the best laugh they've ever heard. I didn't craft it, I just laugh from my gut and from my soul whenever I can. Who cares what people think?

8) It's important to take your time when you need it, but be as prompt as possible for others. If I want to sit on the couch for awhile and relax, it's probably because I need to. If I'm tired, it's because I need sleep. If I'm hungry, I need to eat. Why, as a society, are these often viewed as lazy traits? I'm listening to my body, shouldn't you be doing the same thing?

9) Avoid gossiping. You're just contributing to the fame of a person you probably don't like, and you're living vicariously through them instead of living your own life. Be the gossip and it will soon look like the petty behavior it truly is.

10) Give inspiration whenever you can to others. You never know how much it will mean to them and when that might come back to you.

11) Give advice whenever someone asks for it, but never when someone isn't ready to hear it. It's taxing to spend so much energy trying to help a person and watch them repeat the same wrong behavior.

12) Sleep late and be lazy on Sunday. You deserve it. I deserve it.

That is about it for this segment. Hope all is well for everyone.


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