Friday, June 18, 2004

Things that Confound ME (part 1)

Good Afternoon, folks. My compadre started up a little list last week, and now I'm'a bring my own, of things that just make me a wee bit flabbergasted and awestruck.

1. It's one thing to create a motorcycle with a solid reputation for craftsmanship and beauty. It's a completely different thing to make an impeccable paper-craft rendering of the motorcycle. Now, That's love!

2. We've all had hangovers before. I had a hangover two weeks ago and actually wrote a brief, slightly curdled piece that was up here for a day or two before I stripped it, realizing that it was just plain dumb to highlight my own momentary stupidity and toxicity. I'm hungover today. In fact, I may bring that point into play in points 4, 7, 9 and 14 below, but you'll see for yourself on that count. In the meantime, take a gander at this summary of a hangover study, which basically gives yet another reason why women have the short end of the stick, ... so to speak.

3. Why something like the State of the Commons organization isn't getting more press is beyond me. I mean, I normally hang to the left, as you probably know, but this website just seems like a mesh of universal truths that only a dolt could deny. I mean, it says we're all richer than our wildest dreams!

4. I'm getting paid with full benefits to sit here and do JACK FUCKING SHIT! I mean, I don't mind getting a check for warming this seat and browsing the internet, and sending a vague smell of last night's liquors out across cubicles here every couple of minutes, but I mean, REALLY. When there's nothing going on at work, shouldn't they just send a mu'fucka home!! Can't he just go HOME and go to BED!

5. Here I am, still. Doing the same thing. Yes. And I feel so full of self-pity, I even went to this website to make my queasy belly turn again.

6. In honor of having seen Stephen Wright perform last night in Stamford, CT.... Here's a website (named The Dullest Web Site in the World) I can imagine Mr. Wright reading this with unbearable depths of enthusiasm.

7. Why this dude's stories about working at Barnes & Noble isn't on prime fucking time TV is way way WAY beyond me. It's absolutely brilliant. It almost makes me wanna work there just so I can have the misery that inspires that genius. But not really. Enjoy this one.

8. And why'n't I have an Uncle like this? With wise words like this?: "When it comes time to pick out that first tattoo, remember: it doesn’t matter how much you like that one comic book. There’s always a chance that eight years later someone will make a movie of it that stars Sylvester Stallone. And you’ll be fucked." And this: "Burt Reynolds? Nope. Tom Selleck? Uh uh. Try Chile D. Molester. Shave that fucking mustache."

9. For more on Stephen Wright's witty little quiplets.... A couple of my personal favorites: (a) If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? (b) Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? (c) If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?


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