Saturday, June 26, 2004

Bad Things Happen In Threes

The whole idea (superstition) that bad things happen in threes is beginning to take on a whole new meaning as of late.

I don't mean to levy a whole bunch of melancholy on the masses, but for some reason, collecting my thoughts in front of the keyboard on daily basis is a wonderful form of catharsis for me lately. And because of the amount of stuff that is shifting its way upon my shoulders as of late, I need more release than a jog, a workout, and a few self-involved friends to lean upon.

Today, I decided to take some time to rest and workout because my shoulder slipped out yesterday and I needed to workout to keep the muscles strong. At one point when everything slows down, it might pay to see the doc and find out what's happening with my shoulder, but I don't envision that happening any time soon.

I woke up late (slept until 1 p.m.) to my cell ringing right next to my head. Rolling over to find who awoke my ridiculuous slumber, I found out it was my mother calling. She called back right away. Usually my mother's pretty relaxed about everything, so immediately I woke up thinking I had done something wrong and was about to get chewed out. Granted, it wasn't rational thinking, but when one is half asleep, rationality is pretty much last on the list of thought processes.

So I get up to have a cig in order to clear my mind and get myself on track for what I imagine to be a lecture. Mom calls again. Now this truly is odd, so I pick up to find out what's going on. She was definitely upset, and my stomach dropped. She then proceeds to tell me about my aunt, but first, let me give you a little backstory.

My aunt on my Mom's side, who we shall call Eve, was that really cool aunt who broke all the rules when I was a kid just to see me smile. Unfortunately, she suffered from some thyroid problems that caused her to have big emotional swings. Regardless, she always put me on a pedestal and treated me like gold, and as a kid, the swings were something I was aware of but never judged. She was dating a guy the whole family disliked, even I as a child, and somewhere along the line, she wound up "falling" out of a third story window onto concrete below, and became physically and mentally impaired. She couldn't really walk, and she regressed slightly, but she still had a lot of spirit, but was entered into a nursing home.

So Mom basically calls and says that my Aunt Linda choked on a piece of food, aspiriated, and had resperatory failure, and that she was going to the E.R. to find out what was happening.

Long story short, my aunt had no oxygen for 30 minutes, was totally unresponsive to anything, and had nothing left in her eyes. They signed a DNR, and she died at around 10 pm.

I'm sitting here, outside, under a tin roof garage in Florida, listening to the hypnotic syncopation of the raindrops and wondering what is coming next. My Grandmother being really sick, my aunt just passing, and my shoulder falling out don't equate as the three bad things. I'm hoping that I'm seriously downplaying my shoulder and that this is the end of the three. I also now realize that I will probably have to fly twice in a week, which you all can gather from my previous flying article is not something I look forward to, nor that I enjoy. I'm thinking of looking for someone who does hypnosis down here quickly so that I can be strong for the family members that will need it for the next couple of weeks.

The benefit of all this, if I can convince myself of that terminology, is that my viewpoints and fears are changing. I'm growing up in an environment that is unavoidably complex and enlightening. I've realized that many of my petty fears and insecurities are so mundane and trivial, and that they either need to or are changing.

I don't want to be totally alone.

I want to die peacefully and quickly, whenever the time arrises.

I want to make the most of my life.

I want to love and be loved.

I want people to smile whenever they think about me.

I want to live, and live well.

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