Monday, July 19, 2004

10 Reasons That Relationships Should Be Like A Cell Phone Plan

I have numerous friends in relationships nowadays.  In fact, when I go out, I’m often the third or fifth wheel, which makes it necessary for me to be decently secure in the fact that I’m not a leper and don’t repel relationships.  But being in this position causes some great annoyances sometimes, and I’ve outlined a plan, a proposal if you will, to deal with this minor dilemma. 
  
Relationships should be EXACTLY like signing up for a cell phone plan.  Here’s why:
 
 
1) Plans should have a minute limit.
 
Unlimited nights and weekends are available, but the cost is so prohibitive that no one would or should sign up for it.  You must schedule, in a given month, how many minutes you will use.  If you pick too much, you’re wasting, and if you pick too few, you have to pay hefty overage charges.
 
Translation: Be relatively consistent about the time you spend with your significant other.  If you’re not, you’ll cramp the other person and your friends will learn to hate you for being unreliable, inconsistent, and stupid.  There are exceptions to this rule, but they are infrequent.  Co-dependence does NOT count.
 
 
2) Please have consideration for others when using your service in public.
 
Everyone gets extremely aggravated when people are yelling into their cell phone when they’re commuting, in a restaurant, or other quiet place.  Keep it down!
 
Translation: If you’re in a good relationship, that’s great.  I don’t need to see you rubbing and tonguing each other with reckless abandon, however.  Everyone is guilty of this at some juncture, but try to keep it to less than an absolutely disturbing and traumatizing event for those whose conversation you are interrupting.
 
 
3) You may only sign up with one carrier.
 
You cannot have one phone and multiple providers, though mergers like AT&T and Cingular are changing that.
 
Translation: However, if you find yourself signing up with a plan that has two “carriers” for greater coverage, God bless you and please let me know how you pulled that off.
 
 
4) Your service is a privilege and you should not abuse it.
 
Remember to occasionally take breaks from using your cell phone so you can appreciate it when you want it or need it.  You’ll be more satisfied in the balance and also less likely to run over your minutes.
 
Translation: If you’re reclusive in your relationship and it ends, or you wake up one day and realize that you don’t hang out with your friends anymore, don’t come crying to me about how you feel alone.  You isolated yourself willingly, and now you have to work for abandoning the people that have stood by you for years.  “But… but…” But nothing. 
 
 
5) Helping friends find a provider will allot you extra minutes for that month and the next two as providers will overlap their service.
 
As with many companies, bringing business their way is always beneficial and generally comes with some sort of reward package.
 
Translation: Hook a friend up with a friend!  It pays, and creates situations for double dating, which is good for all and provides the ability for outlets and good times.  It’s good business.  It’s good networking.
 
 
6) If you are having difficulties with your provider, please resolve the issue privately, quietly and with great discretion.
 
Every customer services rep fears the screamer.
 
Translation: There are few things more uncomfortable than a couple fighting when you can’t say anything derogatory, funny, witty, helpful, or one-sided.  Take a TV time out, socialize separately, and resolve your issues during your minute plan.  Don’t waste my time and damage my eardrums.
 
Also, don’t use this as an excuse to cling onto each other after resolving.  You will too quickly lay down the foundation for the next argument.
 
 
7) If you are planning to only have short term service, don’t pretend to sign up for long term service thinking you’ll get a better deal.
 
There are services out there that are pay in advance.  You don’t get all the fancy amenities, but it gives you the bottom line service.
 
Translation:  “Booty calls” are just that, then there are friends with benefits, and all of the steps prior to or in lieu of a relationship.  Don’t be sneaky, just lay it out.  It makes everything easier and everyone happier, and your reputation won’t get any worse than it already is.
 
 
8) You may take a copy of this contract, but further insight will not be provided.
 
Companies often like to make fools of their customers with small print, crafty language, and legal –speak.  This document is easily more straightforward.
 
Translation:  If you’re an idiot and need this explained, please seek help elsewhere.  You’re clearly still a developing Neanderthal and have yet to join the human race in language or in thought.  If you don’t even know how to print this out, then perhaps you should consider donating yourself to science.  You may be the missing link between chimpanzees and humans.
 
 
9) Discretion about your provider’s technology and service is important.
 
If you have great service, don’t brag too much because you’ll find that it will jinx your service or cause other customers to take away your bandwidth.
 
Translation: If you’re going to brag copiously about your significant other and they are female, I will either begin to rethink my current service or will miss having service at all and will start to actively pursue yours.  Braggarts are like the dancing elderly idiot in the Great Adventure commercials: they either aggravate, scare, or entice a person, and sometimes a combination of the three.  If you’re a female bragging about your man, you’re in even more serious trouble; think of sharks seeing blood in the water and you’ll get a Disney idea of what’s to come.
 
10) You cannot rely on other providers to cover areas that your provider does not.
 
Each has it’s own technology, and there is no overlap.  Also, each provider has its downfalls, so you must put some thought into picking which provider you choose to sign up with.  You may find yourself unable to switch carriers down the line, or be charged a hefty cancellation fee.
 
Translation: If you’re dating someone, and yet you go to your friend of the opposite sex for consolation, advice, to bitch, etc., something is wrong.  I’m not gay, you are not my hag, and I get absolutely no benefit from being your crutch so piss off and make your man deal with your shit. 
 
For guys, if you’re going to come to me and bitch for a really long time about how your relationship isn’t working, and yet you don’t take one step towards trying to mend or end it, I’m going to take that beer bottle I’m trying to enjoy at the bar and shove it down your throat.  If you have the courtesy to buy me the beer, I’ll wait until the second bottle.


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