Thursday, July 29, 2004

Let's See What You Think

A fun little poll for some people. I had to exclude some just because I can't name everyone. Enjoy.

For the ladies:
Who would you kiss (romance), who would you sleep with (carnal), and who would you throw off a cliff (self explanatory)?


I'd do one about the girls, but I don't want to offend. The guys will take it humorously, or I can remove you if you ask.

This should get me in a LOT of trouble.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Warning For Men

I got this email awhile back, but I decided it's totally post-worthy.  I have no idea who authored it, but it sure wasn't me.

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

Monday, July 26, 2004


My buddy and his wife came over today, and they brought their little pup.  Yellow lab, so small, she was playing with my two puppies and even took a dip in the pool.  She's a gutsy one, that Sasha.

After awhile, she began shivering, so we wrapped her up in a towel, and my friend's wife was holding her.  I asked if she minded if I did it for awhile, and she happily obliged.

There's nothing more precious than holding something young that you adore.  I lounged in the sun for awhile, trying to console a shivering cold 5 lb. puppy.  It was wonderful.  I decided to re-wrap her in something dry, took her inside, lay down on the couch and watched a movie, with her wrapped up and on my chest.  Body heat worked well, and she finally stopped shivering and slept deeply.  I wish I had a picture, but couldn't find my camera.  It felt so good.

It's funny how sometimes the things we all need most come in small packages, and are often the things we avoid with great tenacity.  It was so nice to let something close that was fragile and precious.  It reminds me of what is underneath all of the defenses and walls within.

What a great day.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Shopping For Reasons

I went to Super Stop and Shop today to return copious amounts of cans.  For those of you who aren't aware, in CT, you pay five cents per can as a deposit, and if you return them, you receive that money back.  So I horde a whole bunch and bring my garbage bags in to return 'em at the big grocery store.

In there, I met an old man.  He was wearing a Connecticut Post baseball hat (one of the local newspapers), a worn-down shirt, plaid shorts, tan sneakers and black socks.  He looked like a guy who might've been homeless, but had too nice a watch on.

I offered him the machine for bottles because he only had a few and I had a lot.  I figured I'd save the old man a long wait.  He was surprised by my trivial attempt at chivalry, graciously accepted, and hurried his way through his bottles.  I explained to him how the machine worked because it's a little temperamental, and I had a system down by now.

After he had finished with his bottles and I began my process, he says, "Excuse me sir, may I ask you a question?"

Well, if you're gonna call me sir, you sure can.

"Sure," I said, trying to size him up as I'm shoving bottles into a mechanical monster's mouth.  He appeared a little off, something that isn't tangible, but noticeable if you're prone to notice those things.

"When you drink, do you get depressed?"

Here's where my mind began to go haywire.  I'm processing if he is homeless, a reporter trying to get information without identifying a source, homosexual, etc.  Finally, I decided to just give it straight and let him give me the answers.

"When I was your age, I could drink a lot and it wasn't anything.  See, booze affects a part of your brain that has all of your energy.  When you're young, you have lots to give up, but as you get older, it starts to affect you differently."

I nodded my head in a totally inexperienced, naive-appearing encouragement.  Is this guy preaching to me in the bottle return store?

"See, I'm 60 now, and I even notice a difference from when I was 40.  The other day, I had a few drinks, and all of a sudden I was thinking of all these ways to hurt myself.  That had never happened to me before.  That's what depression is, when you want to hurt yourself.  It's funny."

Normally, I feed into these discussions.  Weird people approach me all the time, looking for answers.  It's not something I think about.  When I'm in NYC, my friends always have to slow down because every homeless person is asking me about life, or some weird, abstract idea they have.  Sometimes it's aggravating, but generally I make a point of trying to steer some of them somewhere better.  You'd be surprised how fast I can understand someone on a level that's pretty high.  I've had people talk nonsense to me, and yet I totally get where they're coming from.  It's a curse.

This time, however, I didn't do anything.  I just turned around and dumped science on a guy who may have been asking for help.

"Well, yeah, alcohol is a Central Nervous System depressant.  As you age, your metabolic rate decreases and your ability to mentally and physically tolerate foreign substances decreases because your CNS isn't as strong" (yes, that's a quote).

"Oh, so I just explained something to you that you already knew," he says, and turns around and leaves.

All of sudden, I can feel something go click.  It's not something I can really explain, but it's like a piece of my inner-self goes -click- and I know I did something wrong.  For lack of a better explanation, it's a metaphysical cut where someone is seeking a tether that you cut off.  It's like a sinking boat and a guy throws you a line that you just toss right back at him.  It sucks.

I blew it off and went back to my car to drop off the boxes before I went in to get my money.  He walks by me again in the parking lot and says, "Don't get depressed!"  I laugh, and keep walking. 


My mind is processing all of these things that I don't care to explain, but I realized that in my selfishness and as a defense mechanism, I just blew off a human being.  Guilt rushes in and I have to shut off feeling for awhile.  I go in, get my loot and a lottery scratch-off for giggles, and head back out.  As I'm walking out the door, I see this 30 something year old guy yelling at one of the old ladies working there.

"But my wife TOLD me there was a sale," as his face was turning red.  I laughed, and thought it was weird to see two people in a few minutes that were total opposites.  One who threw out a line and was rejected, and one who holds so tight onto it, he won't let go.

This is the kind of stuff I feel bad about for days.

Oh, I made $26.40 which means that I returned 528 cans and bottles.  Man, am I thirsty.

Monday, July 19, 2004

10 Reasons That Relationships Should Be Like A Cell Phone Plan

I have numerous friends in relationships nowadays.  In fact, when I go out, I’m often the third or fifth wheel, which makes it necessary for me to be decently secure in the fact that I’m not a leper and don’t repel relationships.  But being in this position causes some great annoyances sometimes, and I’ve outlined a plan, a proposal if you will, to deal with this minor dilemma. 
Relationships should be EXACTLY like signing up for a cell phone plan.  Here’s why:
1) Plans should have a minute limit.
Unlimited nights and weekends are available, but the cost is so prohibitive that no one would or should sign up for it.  You must schedule, in a given month, how many minutes you will use.  If you pick too much, you’re wasting, and if you pick too few, you have to pay hefty overage charges.
Translation: Be relatively consistent about the time you spend with your significant other.  If you’re not, you’ll cramp the other person and your friends will learn to hate you for being unreliable, inconsistent, and stupid.  There are exceptions to this rule, but they are infrequent.  Co-dependence does NOT count.
2) Please have consideration for others when using your service in public.
Everyone gets extremely aggravated when people are yelling into their cell phone when they’re commuting, in a restaurant, or other quiet place.  Keep it down!
Translation: If you’re in a good relationship, that’s great.  I don’t need to see you rubbing and tonguing each other with reckless abandon, however.  Everyone is guilty of this at some juncture, but try to keep it to less than an absolutely disturbing and traumatizing event for those whose conversation you are interrupting.
3) You may only sign up with one carrier.
You cannot have one phone and multiple providers, though mergers like AT&T and Cingular are changing that.
Translation: However, if you find yourself signing up with a plan that has two “carriers” for greater coverage, God bless you and please let me know how you pulled that off.
4) Your service is a privilege and you should not abuse it.
Remember to occasionally take breaks from using your cell phone so you can appreciate it when you want it or need it.  You’ll be more satisfied in the balance and also less likely to run over your minutes.
Translation: If you’re reclusive in your relationship and it ends, or you wake up one day and realize that you don’t hang out with your friends anymore, don’t come crying to me about how you feel alone.  You isolated yourself willingly, and now you have to work for abandoning the people that have stood by you for years.  “But… but…” But nothing. 
5) Helping friends find a provider will allot you extra minutes for that month and the next two as providers will overlap their service.
As with many companies, bringing business their way is always beneficial and generally comes with some sort of reward package.
Translation: Hook a friend up with a friend!  It pays, and creates situations for double dating, which is good for all and provides the ability for outlets and good times.  It’s good business.  It’s good networking.
6) If you are having difficulties with your provider, please resolve the issue privately, quietly and with great discretion.
Every customer services rep fears the screamer.
Translation: There are few things more uncomfortable than a couple fighting when you can’t say anything derogatory, funny, witty, helpful, or one-sided.  Take a TV time out, socialize separately, and resolve your issues during your minute plan.  Don’t waste my time and damage my eardrums.
Also, don’t use this as an excuse to cling onto each other after resolving.  You will too quickly lay down the foundation for the next argument.
7) If you are planning to only have short term service, don’t pretend to sign up for long term service thinking you’ll get a better deal.
There are services out there that are pay in advance.  You don’t get all the fancy amenities, but it gives you the bottom line service.
Translation:  “Booty calls” are just that, then there are friends with benefits, and all of the steps prior to or in lieu of a relationship.  Don’t be sneaky, just lay it out.  It makes everything easier and everyone happier, and your reputation won’t get any worse than it already is.
8) You may take a copy of this contract, but further insight will not be provided.
Companies often like to make fools of their customers with small print, crafty language, and legal –speak.  This document is easily more straightforward.
Translation:  If you’re an idiot and need this explained, please seek help elsewhere.  You’re clearly still a developing Neanderthal and have yet to join the human race in language or in thought.  If you don’t even know how to print this out, then perhaps you should consider donating yourself to science.  You may be the missing link between chimpanzees and humans.
9) Discretion about your provider’s technology and service is important.
If you have great service, don’t brag too much because you’ll find that it will jinx your service or cause other customers to take away your bandwidth.
Translation: If you’re going to brag copiously about your significant other and they are female, I will either begin to rethink my current service or will miss having service at all and will start to actively pursue yours.  Braggarts are like the dancing elderly idiot in the Great Adventure commercials: they either aggravate, scare, or entice a person, and sometimes a combination of the three.  If you’re a female bragging about your man, you’re in even more serious trouble; think of sharks seeing blood in the water and you’ll get a Disney idea of what’s to come.
10) You cannot rely on other providers to cover areas that your provider does not.
Each has it’s own technology, and there is no overlap.  Also, each provider has its downfalls, so you must put some thought into picking which provider you choose to sign up with.  You may find yourself unable to switch carriers down the line, or be charged a hefty cancellation fee.
Translation: If you’re dating someone, and yet you go to your friend of the opposite sex for consolation, advice, to bitch, etc., something is wrong.  I’m not gay, you are not my hag, and I get absolutely no benefit from being your crutch so piss off and make your man deal with your shit. 
For guys, if you’re going to come to me and bitch for a really long time about how your relationship isn’t working, and yet you don’t take one step towards trying to mend or end it, I’m going to take that beer bottle I’m trying to enjoy at the bar and shove it down your throat.  If you have the courtesy to buy me the beer, I’ll wait until the second bottle.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Political Quiz

Some of you may know that I love to debate on politics.  Not argue, debate, but I was a little surprised about the answer to my test results. Here we go:

According to your answers, your political philosophy is: libertarian

Libertarians support a great deal of liberty and freedom of choice in both personal and economic matters. They believe government's only purpose is to protect people from coercion and violence. They value individual responsibility, and they tolerate economic and social diversity.
Very interesting.  I'm in good company, too.  John Popper (Blues Traveler), Drew Carey, Trey Parker, Clint Eastwood, Nelson DeMille, and Denis Leary.  Pretty cool.  I'm also not like Jay, who directed me to this quiz from his post.

Friday, July 16, 2004

By Request...

Raven and Shadow>

Well, these are my girls.  Raven is the black one on the left, and Shadow is the yellow one on the right.  I took this today for everyone after the three of us had played frisbee for an hour or so.
Fun little tidbit: The girls love to play frisbee/catch.  Since Shadow is the older one, she tends to bully Raven a little when it comes to making catches or retrievals by land.  However, I have a pool in the backyard, and Shadow has never gone in it.  I got her from a pet store at 4 months, and I think that perhaps she had some trauma with a pool.  She'll swim at the beach though.
Raven, however, is a freak for the water.  You would never guess it seeing her.  She's very relaxed, and loves to cuddle up on the couch with me whenever she's allowed.  But when something goes in the water, she leaps in after it.  I'm talking she'll clear 10 feet of water before even hitting.  It's amazing and really graceful.  She then passes it to Shadow (whom I often call Shads) and Shadow brings it the rest of the way to me.  One by land and one by sea.
Recently, Raven suprised the hell out of me.  I was teaching them both frisbee, which took all of 30 minutes, and started throwing it in the pool for Raven.  Although this thing is made to float, it can sink a bit before it pops to the surface.  I watched her pick her head up in the water, and dive down into the water.  Her tail sticks out and actually goes under with her.  She proceeds to paddle down.  Today she went under for a good 10 seconds before coming up with the thing.  Didn't even choke.  It boggles my mind.
For those of you that don't know, dogs don't do this.  They're pretty boyant, so it takes work to do that.  But Raven is such a good swimmer I can hang onto her tail and she'll drag me from the deep end to the stairs, with no effort, and she's only a 80 lb. dog.
Anyway, just thought I'd share.  Sorry if I'm being a wee bit too proud, I can't help it. :)

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Good Stories And Good Laughs Ease The Day On By

Sorry I've been negligent to all those out there that visit, I just had my three moment happen the other day, and all that's gone down has stepped in and made me very weary.  A friend had a car wreck leaving my house, and I actually pulled her out of her car and rode in the ambulance.  Doctors sent her home, only she had a tear in her small intestine that required surgery a few days later.  Damn hospitals make too many mistakes.
Anyway, in light of all of my heaviness I've been levying upon the masses lately, I figured I would share a fun little story that made me laugh the other day.  A friend of mine, who actually lived at my crib for a month at one point, just got a Lab puppy.  He's always wanted a dog, and after hanging with my two Labs over the years (I'll show a pic if anyone wants to see), who happen to be two of the coolest and greatest dogs ever, he decided he was going to get one.
A few days later I got a phone call from him, with the dawning realization that having a puppy is a bigger job than he had first anticipated.  I laughed for about 10 minutes straight, trying to be nice initially, and then realizing that I was laughing harder because of it.  I said to him, "When you first said you were getting a puppy, I just quietly said to myself 'He has no idea what he's getting into, no idea.' "
He got hysterical and began telling stories that only true dog lovers can appreciate.  Throwing a ball across the room, and the dog running after it, tripping on her big puppy paws, and careening at a high velocity and using her head to stop herself on a table leg.  Then he's on the phone, talking to Sasha (that's her name), asking her why she's digging so many holes in the yard and what that will accomplish.  I said to him, "If you can actually rationalize and analyze a situation with your dog, you need to let me know right away."  We laughed more on that too. 
Somebody once said that God made babies and puppies cute so you wouldn't kill them.  I still remember when Raven, my younger one, was little and I took her to a friends house in my shirt pocket, with her little paws sticking out.  She was really cute.  Then I took her home and she peed all over my bed.  Man, I love my dogs.
Maybe this isn't the best post in the world, but I know a few people will have nostalgic smiles on their face reading this.  There's nothing like raising a puppy, at least in my experience thus far.  It may be a job, but the memories are incredible.
Good times. 

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

...And Me

Thanks for suggesting this personality test, hoss. Here are my results:

Wackiness: 68/100
Rationality: 44/100
Constructiveness: 74/100
Leadership: 68/100

You are a WECL--Wacky Emotional Constructive Leader. This makes you a people's advocate. You are passionate about your causes, with a good heart and good endeavors. Your personal fire is contagious, and others wish they could be as dedicated to their beliefs as you are.

Your dedication may cause you to miss the boat on life's more slight and trivial activities. You will feel no loss when skipping some inane mixer, but it can be frustrating to others to whom such things are important. While you find it difficult to see other points of view, it may be useful to act as if you do, and play along once in a while.

In any event, you have buckets of charisma and a natural skill for making people open up. Your greatest asset is an ability to make progress while keeping the peace.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Getting To Know Me

Seeing Jay's post about the results of his personality test led me to the same place to see how I panned out. Interesting little quiz, and a good laugh. Enjoy my results and let me know what you all got if you go there.

Wackiness: 46/100
Rationality: 40/100
Constructiveness: 46/100
Leadership: 64/100

You are an SEDL--Sober Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a dictator. You prefer to control situations, and lack of control makes you physically sick. You feel have responsibility for everyone's welfare, and that you will be blamed when things go wrong. Things do go wrong, and you take it harder than you should.

You rely on the validation and support of others, but you have a secret distrust for people and distaste for their habits and weaknesses that make you keep your distance from them. This makes you very difficult to be with romantically. Still, a level-headed peacemaker can keep you balanced.

Despite your fierce temper and general hot-bloodedness, you have a soft spot for animals and a surprising passion for the arts. Sometimes you would almost rather live by your wits in the wilderness somewhere, if you could bring your books and your sketchbook.

You also have a strange, undeniable sexiness to you. You may go insane.